


May I have this dance?

by Nenko



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: A bit of angst i guess, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Dancing, F/M, First Kiss, Party
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-12 12:29:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28635534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nenko/pseuds/Nenko
Summary: Brienne was tired of waiting. She just wanted this one dance. The one good memory. Nothing more. Was it too much to ask?
Relationships: Jaime Lannister/Brienne of Tarth
Comments: 42
Kudos: 122





	1. Chapter 1

The music rang loudly in her ears as Brienne watched a group of people passing her to join an already crowded dance floor. It was dark and hot in there. The air was filled with the intoxicating scent of alcohol and smoke with a mix of perfumes and sweat.

Brienne hated such places and always did everything she could to avoid these kinds of parties. But this time it was an informal celebration of their graduation and it was expected of everyone to come and have fun together for the very last time. As far as Brienne knew, most of the people from her year were going to different places across the whole Westeros and Essos and very likely it was the last time she was seeing most of them. 

Not that she would miss them. To be honest, there were only a few people with whom Brienne formed a sort of friendship and mainly it was for their sake that she agreed to attend this party. Sansa and Margaery didn't want to hear any of Brienne’s excuses.

Not having another choice, she let them pick a dress for this occasion and even take care of her hair so it could look at least somehow agreeable. Not that it would make any difference, but it was nice to finally look somehow… not pretty or even plain. That she could never be no matter what she did. But maybe a bit softer, like a slightly nicer version of herself.

But now, sitting in the club, all her confidence vanished like a puff of smoke. She felt exposed like she was pretending to be someone else and everyone could see right through it.

"Brienne, stop pulling your dress down. It looks great just the way it is," Margaery said with a knowing smile. "I know what I'm talking about."

"I'm not entirely sure it's my style," Brienne took a bottle of beer to occupy somehow her hands and prevent them from constant fixing of her skirt.

"If I had legs that long I'd do everything to highlight them." 

"Yeah," Sansa agreed. "Many would kill for such legs. Me included." 

_Not, if they went in a package with such a face._

Brienne took a sip of her beer. It didn’t help much to wash away the bitter taste of her thoughts.

"Come on, girls! Now's the time to crash the dancefloor," Margaery exclaimed cheerfully, hitting her empty shot glass on their tiny table in the corner. 

"I think I'll stay here."

"Oh, come on, Brienne. I won't let you sit here the whole night." 

"I'll be fine. I still have my beer." She deliberately was drinking it as slow as she could. 

"But…"

"Seriously, I'll join you later."

"Okay. If you say so. But you won’t get out of your promise that easily this time." 

Brienne only smiled in response. 

A minute later, looking at the dance floor, Brienne couldn't help a slight pang in her heart. She longed to be there. To feel the music, let it pass through her body, and let everything go. To move swiftly with the music and in rhythm with someone else. 

Despite being tall and ungainly, Brienne loved dancing. She always had. Since she was a child.

Brienne could still remember the afternoons after school. She usually spent them dancing to her favourite songs. She sang too, imagining that one day she could do it on a stage and the people would love her voice and her performance _. It was so silly of her_. But she was a child then, not a quick one, and it seemed to her that she was getting really good at it. Her movements fluid and her voice strong. And father always smiled when she prepared a little performance for him.

Until their neighbour, Roelle came with a visit one afternoon. Brienne was in the middle of her favourite song when she heard the sound of the opening door. Curious, she stopped and peeked into the hallway. 

"What is that howling coming from your living room, Selwyn?"

"Oh, it's just Brienne," she heard her father’s distant voice. 

"I should have guessed. She's a rather unfortunate child. Does she have any hobby she actually has any talent for? Maybe you should encourage her to find something else."

The memory still stung. But not the harsh Roelle's words. No one has ever expected any kindness from this old bitter woman. It was her father's silence that hurt her the most. From that day Brienne stopped dancing and singing and if her father ever noticed the unusual silence in their house, he had never said anything about this.

Brienne swallowed another sip of her beer. The bottle was almost empty and her excuse to stay behind was becoming invalid. Soon girls will be back for another series of colourful shots and then they will take Brienne back with them. 

It was not something Brienne looked forward to and this thought was making her feel selfish and ungrateful. Sansa and Margaery were kind to her. It was fun to spend free time together, but sometimes it felt like being a third wheel. Brienne knew they had the best intentions in mind but the differences between them could not just disappear that easily. For example, now, they didn't understand how it was to get together to the dance floor and after a minute to be left there alone among dancing couples. It was never a case for them. They both were beautiful and always surrounded by lines of guys wanting to dance with them, buy them a drink, or simply take them to the dark corner for a quick snog. 

They didn't know how awkwardly Brianne felt when the three of them were sitting the next day after parties with the cups of coffee and discussing all the events from the night before. The truth to be told, it was mostly Sansa and Margaery complaining about all the unwanted attention they had got. Brienne could never contribute much to these conversations simply because no one had ever shown any interest in her. Other than joking and making fun of her.

She had no idea how it was to be wanted and it was long since she had given up the hope of ever finding out. But still, hearing from beautiful girls how lucky she was made her feel like the greatest joke of all time. Brienne didn't want to be _lucky_. She longed to be wanted and loved. But for some reason, it was too much to ask for an ugly girl. Ugly girls were meant for work and career. Platonic friendship at best. Never for love. 

Brienne shook her bottle. It was long as empty. Brienne directed her gaze to the dance floor. It took her a few minutes to spot Margaery in the dark corner passionately kissing a dark-haired guy, Oberyn if Brienne was not mistaken, judging by the profile and extravagant style. Sansa with reddened cheeks was dancing with Harry, her new crush. It seemed they won't remember about her any time soon and Brienne wasn't sure if she was more relieved or hurt by the fact that she was so easily forgotten. _I'm being unfair_ , she scolded herself, _I don't want to be there and now I'm resenting them for having fun without me._

"It looks like someone’s got to the wrong party," a familiar voice interrupted her thoughts.

Brienne didn't have to look up to know who it was. _Him_. 

"Do you mind if I join your table of merriment and fun?"

"If I do mind, would it stop you?" she asked without looking at him.

"Not really," she heard him laughing in response. "All tables are already occupied."

"This one in as well," Brienne finally spared him a glance just to see that famous smirk on his ridiculously handsome face. Involuntary, she felt her cheeks getting hot. Unfortunately, Jaime Lannister of all people had to have this effect on her.

"Yes. But this one has the one advantage the others are lacking," Jaime said with clear amusement in his voice and despite her better judgment, Brienne found herself looking around the room. One quick glance was enough to notice that her table was the smallest, located in the darkest corner of the room. _Of course, here people won't notice who is sharing it with him._

"The most desirable company of all," Jaime finished sitting on a high chair beside her. "And to earn this honoured place at your side, my lady, I'm bringing you the best bottle of beer this place can offer," he said, handing her a bottle she didn't notice before. 

"You didn't have to," Brienne mumbled not knowing where to look. 

"Yours was empty I noticed," Jaime shrugged.

"Thanks,” Brienne tentatively turned the bottle in her hands. She wasn't sure what to do or say next. She never felt at ease with people she barely knew. Jaime wasn't quite that, but he wasn't her friend either. Despite the time they spent together, his presence still could be overwhelming sometimes. His personality shone as bright as his golden hair, making Brienne plain and dull in comparison. 

"Why that sour look on your face? I thought you'd be happy about the prospect of never seeing us again," Jaime said, taking a sip and throwing her appraising look.

Brienne let out a breath before replying.

"No, it's not what you think," she said carefully choosing her words. "I'm certain I will miss those years spent here." _And some people probably too._

"Me included?" Jaime asked as if he could read her mind.

_You the most._

"No, I don't think so," she said instead.

Some time ago she fancied herself to be in love with him. It was hard _not_ to fall for him. Especially after spending so much time on projects they were, for some reason, continuously assigned to do together. It felt like blessing and torture at the same time. So much that one time after the classes, Brienne went straight to professor Aemon to ask for a change of partner. 

"Did something wrong happen between you and Mr. Lannister?"

Even though Brienne expected this kind of question, she failed to provide an answer. There was nothing wrong between them. Yes, Jaime could be insufferable, his jokes cutting and obscene sometimes. And he loved teasing her too much for her liking. But in his own way, Jaime could be caring and kind.

So there was nothing _wrong_ between them except for her feelings that were growing with every minute spent in his presence. But it wasn’t something she could tell the old professor. And she couldn’t lie. 

"If no, then I would highly encourage you to continue working together," professor Aemon said after she hadn’t come up with any response. "The results of your cooperation are really impressive I must say. It would be such a waste if you couldn't find a common ground."

It took Brienne the whole summer before their last year to finally get over this crush. It was pointless to even _think_ about him in this way. At the very beginning of their acquaintance, Jaime made it very clear that she wasn't someone he could take interest in. "Gods, are you a woman?" were his first words directed to her. She couldn't really blame him. Jaime could have anyone. Someone as beautiful and captivating as him.

"The feeling is mutual. At least there is one thing we have in common," he said.

Brienne didn't reply and they sat drinking their beers, surrounded by music and the endless chatter of other people, which grew louder and louder with every drunk unit of alcohol. 

"Do you plan to stay here?" Jaime suddenly asked.

"No. Tomorrow I'm leaving for Tarth. And then to Essos. You?"

"Staying here."

Brienne only nodded and again focused attention on her drink. She wasn’t sure what else could be said and was almost relieved when Jaime left her table without saying another word.  
As Brienne predicted, seconds later Sansa and Margaery returned and demanded more shots. At least they knew how to have fun.

"Did I see Lannister here?" Margaery asked with a sly smile on her face. "What did he want?"

"Nothing," Brienne shrugged. "He just said goodbye."

He didn't, in fact, but Brienne didn't want to go into details of this strange conversation.

"I can't say he's my favourite person, but gods, I'll miss the sight of this sharp jaw."

"And perfect ass," Sansa added, giggling.

"But Brienne will miss him the most, right?"

"What do you mean?" Brienne asked, turning her head away from sequins on Margaery's dress, furiously shining in flashing lights.

"We know you still like him."

"I certainly do not." _She was over this foolish crush._

"And I'm quite sure he likes you. The way he..."

"Marg, I'm not having this conversation again. You drank too many shots."

"But she's right, Brienne," Sansa said, just as always backing Margaery. "If you want him…"

 _Yeah, go get him. Utter and unrealistic nonsense_. Brienne couldn't listen to it any second longer. 

"I need to go to the loo."

Without another glance in their direction, Brienne quickly left the room. When she returned an eternity later, she found their table occupied by people she vaguely remembered from classes. It was still too early to leave and she needed to find girls first. It was their unbreakable rule — _always_ let the others know before you leave.

Brienne took her usual place against the wall. The music was still playing, the people were still dancing. Brienne spotted Marg's shiny dress on the dancefloor, as well as Sansa's red locks.   
_I'll wait for a few more songs and tell them I'm leaving_ , she thought. 

By the end of her chosen timeframe, in the place where lights couldn't reach, Brienne was gently swaying to the music. She was almost upset this was the end. She was going through the crowd toward the dance floor when the next song caught her attention. Brienne knew this one. Every sound was carved painfully in her memory and into her heart.

Suddenly she was in high school again. It was a winter ball, which she only agreed to attend because she didn't want to upset her father. He had thought Brienne would greatly enjoy music and dancing. _She would_. If nobody was there to see her. She tried to spend that evening the best she could, mainly avoiding others, not wanting to spoil their fun. Then she heard the words.

"Can I ask for a dance?" 

Brienne looked around in confusion, but there were no other girls to whom this request could be directed. _It must be a jape_ , she thought but her classmate Hyle was smiling at her slightly and his eyes seemed sincere.

"Y-yes," Brienne stuttered, letting him lead her to the dance floor. Brienne's heart was racing. It was the first time in her life that someone asked her for a dance and it made her feel dizzier than after two glasses of champagne she had drunk before. 

The first sounds of a song filled the room, making her whole body tremble. If Brienne expected that Hyle would hold her hand, she was terribly mistaken. He was just standing in front of her and lightly swaying with the music. Brienne didn't dare to reach for him, so she just went after his example, her previous joy slowly turning into the feeling of awkwardness and embarrassment. It was not how she had imagined her first dance with someone. In her dreams, she was always held and her partner's blue eyes, suspiciously similar to Renly's, were locked with hers. Definitely not standing two steps apart and seeing Hyle's turned face while he was talking with his friend Mark.

The charade lasted till the middle of the song. They couldn't keep it any longer and in mere seconds the whole room was laughing at the stupid ugly girl who had believed that someone wanted to dance with her.

Holding back tears Brienne left and spent the rest of the time safely locked in the bathroom until her father came to pick her up. She didn't tell him anything of that to spare him the embarrassment of having such an unfortunate daughter. She knew she wasn't a child any parent would like to have. And that was the main reason she had never told her father anything about her troubles, about sniding remarks in her direction, or just the infinite loneliness she felt. It was better to deal with everything on her own than let her father know how a great failure she was... 

Brienne blinked trying to shake off the painful memory so distinctly played before her eyes. The music was still playing and preventing it from disappearing. And there was nothing good enough to replace it.

Brienne sighed. Suddenly she felt just tired. Tired of people seeing only the outer layer of her and condemning her for something she couldn't change. Tired of waiting to be treated decently. She had waited for her whole life. For nothing. Nothing was freely given to her except for laughs and ridicule. Everything good she had, it was her doing, her fighting, her achievement. 

Looking around she saw Sansa and Margaery on a dance floor. She noticed Loras and Renly on a couch and Jaime with a stern face, listening to something Addam was telling him.   
And then, in flashing lights reflecting in her deep blue dress and the last sounds of this hateful song ringing in her ears, Brienne made a decision.

She wanted to have one good memory. Just this one dance. Was it too much to ask? 

Brienne went through the room. She had to do it now or she would lose her sudden courage. _Now_. Before her insecurities will make her doubt and second-guess her decision. 

In a few seconds, she found herself standing in front of Jaime, effectively interrupting his conversation with Addam.

"Brienne,” he said, clearly surprised by her unexpected appearance. His beautiful green eyes were curiously studying her. “What can I do for you?"

Brienne let out a deep breath.

"May I have this dance, Jaime?"

The moment those words left her mouth, all her courage evaporated together with the alcohol she consumed that night, clearing her mind of whatever madness that possessed her.

Jaime was staring at her like she just lost her senses and only now Brienne truly comprehended how ridiculous she and her request must have looked for him. She would take it back if she could. 

Slowly, disbelief on Jaime's face disappeared, replaced by an amused smile. 

Brienne had to use all of her willpower to repress the desperate need to flee. She made herself look into his eyes instead.

 _You were brave enough to ask him._ _Now be brave to hear his response._ If he refuses her? If he laughs at her? If he mocks her? So what? Nothing she hadn't heard before.

But the words that came next completely surprised her.

"You may," Jaime said, smiling and extending his hand.

And not quite believing it was happening, Brienne took it.

The unexpected warmth radiated from their joined hands and went through her whole body in pleasurable waves. 

Brienne hadn't even noticed when they reached the dance floor. She stiffed as she felt Jaime's right hand on her back, gently pulling her closer to him. She had never been so close to anyone, not to mention someone she had a secret crush on for so long.

"Relax, Brienne," Jaime whispered in her ear. "I'd like to dance with you, not your imitation of a broomstick."

Brienne silently nodded and hesitantly put her hand on his shoulder. Her heart had never beaten so fast and her face had never been so hot. They started to move and almost immediately found their rhythm. Brienne didn't have to think, with Jaime every move she had learned so long ago felt as natural as breathing.

There were no words between them and too soon Brienne realized that the song was reaching its inevitable end. She desperately tried to remember the touch of Jaime's hand and the feel of his hard muscles under the smooth fabric of his deep green shirt. The expression in his shining eyes she couldn't quite figure out and the soft smile tugging his lips. 

They stopped with the last sound of the song. This was the moment to thank Jaime for his kindness and leave. Before something spoils this wonderful moment.

Brienne took a step back only to discover that Jaime didn't let go of her hand.

"In a million years I wouldn't have guessed you move so well, Tarth," he said, gently caressing the back of her hand with his thumb.

Brienne shuddered. 

"No one would, I believe" she replied suddenly too shy to meet his gaze.

"Care to go for another one?"

_Did he really?.._

"Yes," her voice was barely louder than a whisper but he must have heard it or he just saw the desperate need in her eyes as he pulled her close against his chest and they danced again.

  
Again.

  
And again.

  
Until they were the last couple on a dance floor. It must have been early morning.  
The music slowed down and exhausted, they were just swaying with both Jaime's hands on her waist and hers around his neck, lazily playing with his golden locks.

"You know," Jaime said in a slightly hoarse voice, "I think you have not told me the truth today."

"What do you mean?"

"I start to think," a mischievous smile appeared on his face, "that despite your crude words earlier, you _will_ miss me." 

Brienne's hands stilled on his neck.

"I…" she stopped not knowing how to finish.

 _Of course, she will_. There was no other way with Jaime. 

"Am I wrong? Or is it so hard to admit?"

 _It was_. Not admitting it was her last wall of defence and removing it would make her so open and so vulnerable. Brienne couldn't let that happen. She was afraid of getting hurt again. Not right after the most wonderful night in her life he had given her.

And she couldn't ask more of Jaime. He has already made her a favour by not rejecting her the moment she opened her mouth. Brienne knew he had never wanted it in the first place, but he agreed to it anyway. It didn’t matter that Jaime might have enjoyed the dance in the end. After the kindness she got from him, it somehow felt wrong to burden Jaime with the feelings he could never reciprocate. 

"There is nothing to admit, Jaime," Brienne said after a few moments of silence. 

His smile disappeared from his face as well as his hands from her waist. Brienne reluctantly removed hers from his neck immediately missing the feel of his silky golden locks under her fingers.

"Then why did you come to me? Why did you bother if it all is for nothing?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to… to… You didn't have to…"

Jaime narrowed his eyes.

"Didn't have to do what? Dance with you?"

 _Yes_. Brienne nodded, swallowing a thick lump that started forming in her throat. _Why everything had to go wrong in the end?_

"And if I say I wanted to?"

"No. I know you didn't. Not really," Brienne said, trying to compose herself. Was it not for her request, nothing would ever happen and they wouldn't have this conversation now. "But I do appreciate your kindness."

"Is that it?" for some incomprehensible reason his voice sounded so deflated, making Brienne's heart sore. "You will _appreciate_ my fucking _kindness_ and reject everything else? Seven hells, why am I even surprised? After years of your indifference it should have been expected, right?"

Brienne blinked, the confusion taking over her distress. What was he saying? Indifference? Rejection? Those were always meant for her. Not for him. _Never for him_.

"But there is nothing else between us, Jaime." It was a sad fact she had learned to accept so long ago but admitting it out loud hurt all the same. "Nor it could be. But I thank you for the dance. It means a lot to me."

" _Dance_?" Jaime snorted in disbelief. His eyes sharp and cutting. "Blind, stubborn woman. There could be so much more than dance. _So much more_."

Not waiting for her response, he left her alone on the dance floor. There were no laughs this time. Just the dead gnawing silence.


	2. Chapter 2

Brienne was walking down the street toward her rented flat as the rays of rising sun filled the streets with a gentle orange glow. 

She was too exhausted to see the beauty of a new day and the whole night of dancing had nothing to do with it. Her body couldn’t feel any of it, yet emotionally she was like a hundred times drained sponge. 

Jaime’s words couldn’t leave her mind.

_There could be so much more…_

_So much more…_

_So much more…_

_No, there couldn’t be_ , Brienne tried to tell herself but it sounded weak, more like the trained words of denial than her genuine belief.

How could Jaime tell her something like this? Did he enjoy making fun of her? Giving her hope for something that could never happen?

 _He wasn’t joking,_ the image of his face was vividly committed to her memory. _There was no amusement, just the anger, disappointment… and hurt._

Brienne sighed as she reached the front entrance of her flat where she had spent five years of her studies. The old door covered in cracked blue paint creaked under her hand as she entered the unkempt staircase. Not bothering to wait for a lift, she slowly took steps upstairs. 

Brienne entered her small apartment in an attic. With almost all her things already packed, it felt empty and uninviting. Without striping her clothes and removing the rests of her light makeup, Brienne fell on a couch. She still had time to find some sleep, she had even left bed sheets on, but she knew it was pointless. There was no way she could close her eyes and not see Jaime’s face and the strange expression in his eyes. 

_There could be so much more._

_So much more…_

She found it impossible to forget those words and even harder to ignore the meaning hidden behind them. 

It was always like that with Jaime. He had this special ability to catch other people’s attention no matter wherever he was and whatever he did. Right at the beginning of their acquaintance when Brienne tried her best to avoid him, his bright presence turned out to be incredibly difficult to overlook. Luckily, they didn’t see each other very often but when they did, Brienne quickly discovered how hard it was to turn her gaze away from him. And it was even harder to forget everything she so unexpectedly came to know about him. 

So, when professor Aemon assigned them to work together, Brienne was horrified. 

“Let’s celebrate our partnership,” Jaime said with a sly smile after they had left the classroom. “How about coffee at Crossroads? Believe me, it’s better than the caffeinated dishwater we could get here.”

Brienne refused. She was already aware of her crush and being in his presence, the greatest blessing and the worst torture, was stirring up the feelings her heart could not bear alone. 

So she tried to escape. _She tried_ , to only make everything worse. Especially when Jaime found out about her attempt to change him as a partner. She hadn’t thought it was possible to look so angry and so dejected at the same time.

It wasn’t the same between them after that. They still worked together but there was a growing distance between them and if Brienne had thought she wanted that, she quickly came to realize that she hated every second of it.

Jaime became cold and arrogant; his jokes and his teasing were sharper and more cutting than usual. It was obvious he was upset with her but Brienne couldn't understand _why_. She only tried to save her from inevitable heartbreak and to give him a chance to spend time with someone else of his choosing instead of ugly and boring Brienne. 

Yet despite the sudden enmity between them, it was Jaime who has always been there for her. She still could remember the day of advanced biochemistry exam, the most difficult and feared one of their whole studies. Just before they entered, Brienne had received a message about her father’s car accident. She left the campus immediately and without hesitation. And with Jaime at her heels.

“Return to the exam, Jaime. I don’t want you to fail because of me,” she had said, hurrying in the direction of the bus stop.

“Fuck the exam. I have a car, come with me.”

So she did.

Luckily father got away with minor injuries and Brienne could return a few days later. She went to thank Jaime but he dismissed all her words of gratitude and invited her for coffee instead. Of course, Brienne refused and they didn’t talk about this later. 

After they finished professor Aemon’s course, they rarely saw each other. Brienne became closer with Sansa and Margaery. It was nice to have their company, do shopping together or even sometimes be dragged to parties with them. Despite the striking differences between the girls, Brienne considered them friends.

But it wasn’t them who remembered such trivial things as her birthdays for example. Jaime did. Brienne had never told him about it and she still had no idea how he got this information. He had always sent her a message, congratulating her on another successful step towards getting old which involuntary made Brienne smile. He remembered. Unlike many other people she knew, Jaime had always remembered.

Brienne sighed as she turned on her old uncomfortable couch. Whoever designed that thing the eternity ago, certainly had different priorities in mind than comfort and ease of use. 

_Here, it feels like you enter a time machine to the eighties,_ Jaime said once during one of his few visits. 

He was the only one who has ever been here. Brienne had never invited Sansa and Margaery over. Nor had she done that with Jaime but somehow, he managed to do it himself after he insisted to take her home from a party celebrating the end of the semester. Brienne was well in her cups and she didn’t really realize what exactly it had meant. She came to her mind when they reached her door. Embarrassed and ashamed of her living conditions, Brienne didn’t let him in. 

“I… I can’t let you in…” she stammered not meeting his gaze.

“Are you afraid of me?” he asked then, leaning against her door frame.

“No… it’s just not… I can’t… It’s not a good idea…”

Jaime didn’t press her. He just bid her a good night and left. And they had never spoken of it.

It was almost half a year later when he got to enter her apartment. 

Brienne woke up with a fever and sore throat. She could barely move around her flat and attending her classes was out of the question. There was no other choice than to stay abed and hope for quick recovery. 

It was not even five minutes after their classes had begun when she got a message.

_“I didn’t hear anything about a disaster in your area and you’re not here. Are you alive?”_

_“Hardly,”_ she replied. “ _Just a bit ill. I’ll be back tomorrow.”_

She wasn’t. The next day Brienne felt even worse. Her little emergency pills storage was running thin and the medicine she had taken didn’t have the desired effect.

Brienne had spent the day abed falling in and out of sleep when she heard a knock to her door. At first, she thought that she was dreaming but the knocking was persistent.

Summoning all her strength and willpower, Brienne raised from her bed and walked to the door.

“Jaime,” she said when the door revealed his beautiful golden face. “What are you doing here?”

“Checking on you,” he said like it was the most obvious thing to do. “You don’t reply to my texts.”

“You didn’t have to worry,” Brienne mumbled, trying to steady herself on her feet. “I’m fine.”

“Have you seen yourself? You look as awful as you lie,” Jaime said with a sarcastic smile. “May I come in? I have something for you.”

It didn’t take him long to convince her. She was too weak and too dizzy from fever to care what he would think of her and her modest accommodation. 

To her surprise, Jaime didn’t say anything about this, same as he didn’t comment further on her messy looks. 

He took care of her instead. 

He had brought food with him, which he forced her to eat. ( _“You need your strength back, wench.”_ ) He made hot tea for her as well as he brought some medicines.

Brienne didn’t know how to react to any of it. She wasn’t used to such kindness. 

“Thank you,” she said when Jaime was preparing to leave.

“Get better. You can’t expect me to endure Qyburn’s class alone next week.”

Next day Brienne was good enough to do a little work from her bed. And finally, she brought herself to manage all received texts on her phone. Except for her father, there was only one person who had texted her. _Jaime._ Others probably didn’t notice her three-day absence and even if they did, no one cared enough to ask after her. Not even Margaery and Sansa, who later claimed they were incredibly busy those days and actually they had thought that Brienne wanted some time alone.

Brienne still remembered how painful it was to hear that from her only friends. _And Jaime didn’t have to be her friend to care,_ her heart was beating heavily in her chest with all newly awakened feelings for him.

Yet, everything was as usual when she returned. They have never spoken about his visit and Brienne convinced herself that it didn’t mean anything. She did everything she could to not allow him to get any closer, refusing him again and again when he asked her out for coffee or beer until he stopped doing that. _It’s no longer fun for him to play with me like this,_ Brienne had though then but now it felt completely wrong and unfair toward Jaime.

Now, as she was laying on her old couch and replaying all her memories involving him, Brienne couldn’t get rid of a feeling that she could have gotten _everything_ wrong.

_“Blind stubborn woman. There could be so much more than dance. So much more.”_

Could she really misinterpret everything so bad?

Did she really reject him all those times?

_She did,_ the answer was clear as the waters surrounding Tarth.

Blind, stubborn and stupid. 

That who she was. An ugly woman, so engaged in her misery and self-pity that she didn’t notice something happening right in front of her eyes. Something clear shining and golden. After years of mockery and ridicule, it was impossible to believe that someone could be interested in her for other reasons than making jokes of her. Any kindness had its price to be paid. Nothing was freely given. Even with Sansa and Margaery, Brienne knew deep down that the real reason for their friendship was the mutual usefulness, not the fondness of their characters and similarities between them. Girls were mostly interested in parties and socializing while trying to keep up with classes and exams and Brienne’s priority was her studies while she longed to be recognized and accepted by the others. 

_Good deal for both sides_. That was how their friendship had worked and Brienne was more than sure that it would be over the moment their _mutual usefulness_ disappears. 

It had never been like this with Jaime. Yes, they were bound by their studies and shared projects they were _highly encouraged_ to do together but everything else had never felt like a deal. If it was, then it was the worst deal Jaime could ever make for himself. Every act of his kindness towards her was met with mistrust and his efforts to get her company with rejection. 

_I was behaving like a... bitch,_ even in her thoughts Brienne cringed at the word. _I accepted everything he had to give but gave nothing in return. Nothing except for rejection. Trying to save myself from a heartbreak I unconsciously did this to him._

The realization together with the image of the hurt on Jaime’s face hit Brienne with a cold blow straight into her heart. 

She looked at the clock on a wall. It was almost nine. At one o'clock the latest, she needed to leave her apartment to catch a bus to the Storm’s End and then a ferry to Tarth. But maybe there was still enough time to make everything right.

Brienne reached for her phone and ignoring tons of messages from Sansa and Margaery which probably demanded more details about their night, Brienne opened her conversation with Jaime. It was full of messages, emojis, memes, pictures and links from Jaime. And there were curt replies. From her.

Brienne started to type but nothing sounded right. Not after the complete disaster of the most wonderful night in her life.

After half an hour of trying, Brienne finally managed to compose a short text which didn’t make her utterly pathetic. She clicked send before she started second-guessing her decision.

In an attempt to calm her breathing and wildly beating heart, Brienne took a shower, changed her clothes, ate a small breakfast and packed all her remaining stuff. She couldn’t focus on anything. Even the smallest noise made her look in the direction of her phone, hoping it was a reply from Jaime.

But her phone was silent. 

_It’s alright,_ Brienne tried to tell herself as she watched clock hands inexorably reaching one o’clock. _He doesn’t have to reply, especially not after yesterday._

All too soon it was one. Brienne's heart sank. She couldn't wait any longer if she wanted to make it home today. Jaime didn’t answer, it was fine. She got up from a couch and took all her luggage. Without a second glance, she left the apartment. 

Luck was not on Brienne’s side today. She reached the lift only to discover that it was broken again. Not having any other way, with a huge suitcase in her hands, heavy backpack on her back and laptop bag on her shoulder, she took the staircase. Sweating and panting Brienne finally reached the street when she heard the vibrations of her phone.

With a beating heart, she looked on the screen. _Message from Jaime_. 

It was short.

_“When and where?”_

_“Park lake in an hour,”_ Brienne replied immediately and cursing his timing and herself for bringing so much stuff together with her, she started to bring everything back on the fourth floor to her apartment. She was red and sweaty when she finally reached the door but there was little time to make herself look more presentable. Not wanting to be late, Brienne quickly changed her wet shirt and washed her face.

Almost an hour later she appeared at the designated place. She stood at the edge of a lake, mindlessly staring at a single leaf falling down and graciously landing on a smooth water surface, reflecting the blueness of a sky and a fluffiness of white clouds. It took everything in her to stand still. With deep breaths, she tried to somehow calm down her nerves.

Brienne hasn’t decided yet what she should say to him. She was so occupied with the idea of making everything right that she didn’t think _what_ the right words would be. _But maybe I won’t have to say anything if Jaime refuses to come._

As if summoned by her thoughts, she heard the crackling of pebbles under someone’s feet. Brienne turned her head to see Jaime in his tightly fit black t-shirt and with slightly damp golden locks.

Without a word, Jaime stood opposite to her and crossed his arms on his chest. The stern look on his face made her feel utterly stupid and ridiculous. _What was she thinking when she decided to bring him here?_

“Jaime…”

“ _Brienne.”_

The silence was tense and heavy. Brienne was struggling to find words. Everything she wanted to tell him now, with him staring at her with a sharp expression in his eyes, sounded dumb and heartless.

“I believed you would be on your way home by now,” Jaime said, his voices sounding flat and indifferent.

“Yes, that originally was my plan.”

“Pity you didn’t stick to it.”

Despite being prepared for such a reaction, Brienne felt a little sting in her heart.

“I just thought…” _that I could make everything right._ But what did it mean? Apologizing? Telling him how much he meant for her? Saying she’s sorry she’s hurt him?

“Keep your thoughts for yourself. Why would I care what’s going on under the thick skull of yours?”

“You came here.”

Jaime let out a bitter laugh. 

“That I did. I’ve been following you for years. It’s hard to kill old habits I guess.”

Brienne found herself nodding at that. Old habits that made her always dismiss and question every nice gesture and every kind word directed to her. The old habit of telling herself she was unworthy of friendship and love. _And maybe she was_. But not because of the ugliness of her face and body as she has always thought.

How could you be a friend with someone who never opens up to you? How could you love someone who stubbornly refuses to see you as a person worth their trust? How would you want to be with someone who constantly rejects and hurts you while keeping their own feelings buried deep down inside?

“Did you call me all the way here just to stare at me? If I knew I wouldn’t bother. A picture would do.”

“Unfortunately, your picture won’t hear anything I have to say.”

“So you do want to _speak_.”

“Yes, what else did you expect?”

Jaime just shrugged, not looking at her. Feeling she won’t get any other encouragement from him, Brienne took a deep breath before continuing.

“About yesterday… I made a mistake...” 

“Seriously, Tarth? It was just a stupid dance and you make it sound like we fucked.”

Brienne felt the heat rising in her cheeks. 

“It meant a lot to me.”

“If you say so.”

“Why did you come here if you don’t want to hear me out?”

“Honestly? I don’t know,” Jaime’s attention was focused entirely on the pebbles under his feet. “Probably I hate myself too much.”

Brienne had no idea how she should reply to this. The quiet dismissiveness in his voice was like cold water thrown over her head. It was clear that Jaime didn’t believe her. Was she too late?

“I’m sorry, Jaime,” Brienne said, begging him silently to look at her. _To believe her._

“For what?” 

His face was impassive and he still refused to meet her eyes.

“Being blind and stupid. For not seeing...”

“Don’t.”

Now his eyes were cutting through her like green lasers. 

“I don’t blame you. We don’t get to choose.”

 _Who we love._ Brienne had already heard him saying this. It was her second week as a student when she decided to make a little trip around the campus to get familiar with the location. The evening was settling in, making most of the people go which Brienne was glad of. 

She was passing between students' dormitories when she heard a dull sound of something hitting the wall and a muffled groan. Looking around she saw a man sitting on the ground with his back against the stone wall. Brienne was about to pass by and leave but something in his posture made her stop. His whole body was shuddering with his head hung down between his shoulders.

She tentatively made a step closer.

“Are you alright?” Brienne found herself asking.

The man raised his head and a pair of green eyes shone in settling darkness, roaming over her posture.

“Gods, are you a woman?” 

“As you can see.”

“A rather sore experience for my poor eyes.”

“They are still better than your hand,” Brienne replied, trying to sound unimpressed. Constant comments concerning her looks weren’t new, however, being used to them didn’t make them less painful.

“Why do you care about my fucking hand?”

“It’s bleeding,” she pointed on a dark stain on a sleeve of his shirt.

“So what? I can bleed if it pleases me.”

Brienne let out a deep sigh. Why was she bothering with this stranger?

“Suit yourself but I think you should take care of it before it gets worse and the infection…”

“Fine,” he cut her off. “I don’t need a lecture from you. Do you have anything to wrap around it?” 

“Yes,” Brienne reached for her bag. She had some tissues and water inside.

She crouched down beside him and carefully helped him to tend the cut which luckily didn’t appear to be very deep. 

“Whatever it was that upset you, it's not worth causing harm to yourself.” Brienne didn’t know why she had said that but the moment the words left her mouth, she desperately wished to take them back.

Bright green eyes scanned her face.

“Do you know anything about love? Looking at you, I suppose not.”

Brienne felt her cheeks redden in embarrassment. His meaning was clear. _No one had ever loved her_. 

“Just as I thought,” he said when she didn’t come up with any reply. “You know nothing.”

“Maybe I do not but at least it’s not me lying on the ground with a bleeding hand.”

“Oh, that’s the look. Come on. Feel that superiority over the fool who devoted himself to a Stranger with a Maiden's face.”

He let out a short bitter laugh.

“We don’t get to choose who we love.”

The blow of a colder wind pulled her out from a memory. The bright blue sky was almost entirely covered in thick clouds. Brienne watched as Jaime unclenched his right fist. Was he also remembering their first meeting? 

“You told me once that I know nothing about love,” Brienne said after a moment of silence. “You were right. I didn’t. Hurt and rejection were my only experience. Every time I felt something more, my feelings were shoved back to my face and mocked. After a time, you learn how to hide everything. How to distance yourself from everyone. You question every action done to you and then you convince yourself that it doesn’t mean anything… And then, you become so obsessed with safeguarding your feelings that you forget that other people also have them... And eventually, you end up hurting them… I didn’t realize that until… until this morning and I couldn’t leave without telling you that… that I…” _loved you all this time_ “how very sorry I am for inflicting all of this on you. You… you deserve so much better…”

 _That’s it._ Despite the trembling of her voice, she somehow managed to tell him this. Jaime listened without any attempt to interrupt her. Now he was staring at Brienne and it took everything in her to not lower her gaze. 

Jaime was so close to her and all she wanted was to remember this fleeting moment of sunshine reflecting in Jaime’s golden hair as the small drops of rain started falling on them. Their eyes were locked together and it was then when she understood it all. 

Whatever Jaime says, she will accept it. Even if another rejection awaited her, Brienne knew she would treasure this memory forever. The memory of her defeating her worst fears, fighting for her love. There was no shame in losing it. Even hurt and defeated, the knowledge that she _tried_ will always be with her. Not bitter regrets of hiding and doing nothing. Not anymore.

Time was flowing as they kept staring at each other. The light shower must have slowly turned in warm summer rain because her face suddenly was wet. Or were those her tears? 

Brienne didn’t have time to wonder about this because Jaime took a final step in her direction, cupping her face in his hands.

“Don’t,” he said, brushing droplets of water mixed with tears with his thumbs. 

“Jaime… I…”

“Brienne…”

And then she was in his arms, tightly pressed to his chest. Jaime’s hand was gently caressing her hair, making her whole body tremble. Nothing has ever felt so good and so right when Brienne tentatively let herself wrap her arms around him.

She had no idea how long they were standing there but when they finally broke their embrace, they both were wet, with their clothes and hair tightly clinging to their bodies. 

“Let’s go,” Jaime said, reaching for her hand. “Standing in the rain is not even remotely as romantic as they show it in your favourites movies.”

“I do not watch romances,” Brienne said, trying to sound indignant at his presumption. 

“Oh, you love them,” Jaime said with a smirk on his face.

Brienne rolled her eyes in response to that.

“Where are you taking me?” 

“You’ll see.”

*

Soon they appeared at the door of Jaime’s apartment. 

“I’m not sure it’s a good idea,” Brienne faltered.

“Do you have any other place in mind? We could go to yours if you prefer so.”

“No, better not. Everything is already packed and it’s just empty.”

Without other words, they stepped in. The interior was everything she imagined it would be- spacious and modern. Every piece of furniture was screaming about luxury and comfort, so unlike her small flat.

“I hope it suits you,” Jaime smiled brightly as he handed her a towel and oversized t-shirt and shorts for change but when she came back from a bathroom a few moments later, his smile dropped from his face at the sight of her.

“I’m not sure it fits but…” Brienne started embarrassed, not knowing what to say. 

“You’re fine,” Jaime said, not quite looking at her. “Come here.”

Brienne sat on the couch and seconds later she felt him taking place right next to her. 

“What now, Jaime?” she asked, putting her hands together on her lap to prevent them from shaking. 

“There is one thing I've wanted to do for so long,” Jaime said, coming closer to her. “May I?”

His hand gently tucked a single strand of hair behind her ear.

“You may,” Brienne whispered. Her whole body was trembling in anticipation of what was going to happen.

“Are you cold?” 

His face was so close to hers that she could feel his warm breath on her cheek.

“No.”

“Good.”

And then Jaime closed the distance between them and kissed her. Brienne sat frozen, not sure what to do with her hands and her mouth. The first touch of his lips on hers was nothing like she had imagined it before. His lips were so soft and firm at the same time as they lightly brushed against hers, encouraging her to respond. When she finally came to her senses and started mimicking his movements, the kiss suddenly stopped.

Brienne raised her eyes at him to see a smug smile on Jaime’s face.

“Was it your first?”

She nodded, not able to find her voice. _Was it so obvious? Am I doing it wrong?_

Before she could linger at those questions, his lips were on hers again. He was still gentle but more insistent this time. Merely seconds were enough for Brienne to catch the rhythm and start responding with all eagerness and passion that for years was gathering in her heart and her body. She could feel one of his hands sneaking into her hair while the other came to her neck guiding her face as Jaime deepened the kiss. His tongue slid against her lips begging her for access which immediately was given to him. They met and every brush of their tongues evoked a burning fire in her core she has never felt so intensively before. Her hands somehow found their way into his hair and all over his body.

Without breaking a kiss, they leaned back on a couch with Jaime’s body slightly hovering over her own.

“Jaime…” Brienne breathed when his lips turned to her neck.

He only hummed in response and she let herself be consumed by passion.

*

“It’s time for me to go.”

“Stay.”

“I can’t.”

“You don’t want to?”

“I do but my stuff is left…”

“Fuck the stuff. Everything you need is here.”

“I have tickets booked for tomorrow morning.”

“You could rebook them again. Or just cancel them.”

“I can’t. Father might notice I haven’t returned. And I promised to visit him.”

“When will you be back?”

They were cuddled together on the couch after the whole afternoon of kissing with a little break for ordering food and actual eating. It was getting dark outside but none of them bothered to stand up and turn the lights on. Leaving Jaime’s arm was the last thing Brienne wanted to do but she also knew she had to return to her flat soon. Her bus was scheduled to leave tomorrow in the morning and she couldn’t postpone her journey to Tarth anymore. 

Brienne sighed.

“I won’t.”

She was met with silence. Jaime’s hand that was playing with her hair suddenly stilled.

“Did you mean it to be only for one evening?” he said in a strained voice.

“I didn’t mean it to be anything,” Brienne replied without hesitation. 

Jaime jerked away and only then it hit her how her words must have sounded to him.

“Wait, it’s not what you think. I just mean... When I was sending you the message, I didn’t expect that we would end up here. I just wanted to make everything right.”

“How did you plan to do it if not by kissing me?”

“I thought you were angry at me.”

“I was,” Jaime admitted as his hand took hers again. “But still, I wanted to kiss you. When you think about it it’s a miracle, I didn’t do it the moment you asked me for a dance. You were magnificent at that moment.”

“Good that you didn't. I’m quite certain we wouldn’t get to the dancefloor in that case.”

“Seriously?” Jaime chuckled, “you prefer dancing over kissing? I think I know what to do to change your mind.”

Without waiting for her response, Jaime found her lips again and started kissing her with a revived passion to which Brienne eagerly responded. 

When they broke a kiss to catch a breath, Brienne somehow found herself pinned under Jaime’s body with one of his hands on her cheek and the other caressing her bare tight, causing goosebumps all over her freckled skin. 

“So? Did I manage to convince you?”

“You might have,” Brienne smiled, raking her fingers through his silky hair.

“Not so eager to leave now?”

“I have to,” her words fell heavily into sudden silence.

Brienne saw Jaime nodding in the darkness.

“I understand,” he finally said. “But you still didn’t tell me when you will be back.”

Brienne sighed. She didn’t get the chance to tell him the whole truth.

“I didn’t plan to return to Kings Landing. I was going to spend two weeks on Tarth and then go directly to Pentos. I got a position there.”

“So congratulations are in order,” Jaime said but Brienne could hear the resigned edge to his voice.

“Jaime…” 

“For how long?”

“At least a year.”

“A year?”

_When said like this it sounds more like an eternity._

“I haven’t signed the contract yet so maybe there is…”

Jaime let out a deep sigh, bringing both of his hands to her face.

“No. I wouldn’t want you to miss such an opportunity because you think you owe me something. It’s only a year. You’ll come back after that, right?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t thought about this yet.” 

His hands were gently stroking the sides of her face. It was dark but Brienne could see his features so beautifully accentuated in a dim moonlight coming through the wide window. 

“Pentos is not so far away. We’ll see each other, I’ll visit you there and maybe I’ll convince my father of the importance of keeping good relations with the other side of the Narrow Sea,” Jaime said, kissing both her cheeks.

It was still so new. Being held, being touched, being kissed. Brienne couldn't comprehend how she lived so many years without it. _How will she live without it?_ But it wasn't that question that was occupying her mind at that moment. It was the implication of Jaime's words that made her heart beat faster.

“Do you… do you intend to wait?” _For me_ was left hanging in the air. 

“Do you not intend to return?” he countered.

There could only be one answer to that question and Brienne gave it to him in the most passionate kiss. 

“It's decided then,” Jaime smiled against her lips.

“But how about…”

She was silenced by his lips.

“Let’s talk later,” Jaime murmured between kisses. “We'll figure everything out. Just stay with me…”

“Jaime…” his name came out closer to a moan than pretended disapproval it was meant to be.

“For tonight. Stay.”

Brienne looked into his eyes and the expression she saw in them made all her resolve crumble into the dust. 

She didn't want to leave. _She never wanted to leave_. But only now she realized she didn't have to refuse and reject Jaime again. 

She could feel safe with him and she desperately wanted him to feel the same while being with her. 

“I’ll stay,” Brienne whispered, pouring all her heart into those simple words. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Initially, this story was supposed to be a short and fluffy piece about dancing. I did my best but somehow it turned out not so fluffy and not that short.  
> I still hope that you liked it :)

**Author's Note:**

> As always I am a bit nervous to post in English. Let me know what you think!


End file.
